What i feel and struggle with on a daily basis. The biggest issue i have in my opinion is a lack of self confidence and self love. Let me give a few examples of how this affects my life. i’ll explain by sketching a few situations. (Please keep in mind that i am a native dutch speaker and try me very best to be as correct as possible in English ^^)

Lack of self confidence

When i get to work i need to start at 22:00 (10:00PM) i make sure i am there at least at 21:15 (9:15pm), then there are only a few colleagues present. Because i like to get my coffee and soft drink from the vending machine, and sit in my spot in the very corner of the table. When i get there later because of circumstances and there are more colleagues present, especially the ones i don’t know that well. I can’t get myself to the vending machine so i just go sit in my corner spot. The little voice in my brain just goes completely south and i think that everyone would watch me get my drink out of the vending machine and judge me for that, and i lack the self confidence and strength to just go there. I know in the back of my head if i just can get myself to start moving towards the machine it will all be fine, but still there’s that overpowering voice inside my head that’s stronger and louder than my own voice. So i end up with no soft drink for the remainder of my shift, and then i get angry with myself because i am sitting there feeling thirsty and angry at myself because it feels like another failure.

Eating in public

Eating in public is also something really difficult, and i love eating damn i really love food 😀 . The weird thing is when i am with family or friends i know very well there’s no problem. The problem starts when there are people around that i dont know that well, again then my brains decides to question every decision i make about my food. I could be on a table with all my friends and family and one person i dont know that well, and that one person is enough to get me questioning. To give an example i think that one person (because i dont know him/her that well) is going to judge my for my food choice. I really like burgers or meat, so when i order a dish with lots of meat or a burger, my brain goes: of course that person is thinking that fat ass is going to get that dish he looks like it. Yes i know when i am typing this it sounds crazy and even makes me laugh a little, and has me going like B*tch don’t overreact. At the point when it starts happening in my head its harsh reality, and then i can’t even reason with myself. I really would love to find the strength to conquer that voice !

Self love

I have one best friend, i would even go that far as calling that girl my soul mate. In the remainder of this blog i am going to call her by her nickname which is Foxy. i met her when i was 11 at this moment i am 26 so we have a few years under our belt. She knows about everything there is to know about me, and vice versa. Even though we have known each other for all this time and all the sh*t we have been trough together, i am still afraid to give her something as simple as a hug. Even when she is sad and crying she sits there i am listening to what she’s saying, and trying to comfort her that way. I know all she really wants at that point is a hug, as you expect at this point the dark voice comes in. Its holding me back from hugging her, its saying mainly: does she really wants a hug from you ? Who actually would want a hug from you. Then the battle kicks in, which i try to hide as much as possible. I want to be a good friends and not make this about me, so i quickly give up the battle, and continue comforting without any physical contact. I know she loves hugs and i know deep inside she wouldn’t mind me hugging her, but the voice mostly wins the battle. I feel beaten and the voice increases in power, and makes me question why she is even friends with me and how she could love somebody like me. The best way possible i can describe this is like RuPaul does: “If you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?” which seems like a simple quote but holds so much power.

My boyfriend, which i will call by his gamer name on this blog: Fishstick. The same issues as above also apply to our relationship. Though i believe we have a special connection never felt this secure in a relationship ever. I still struggle to believe he loves me, not all the time but lets say a 40%-60% ratio which of the 60% i believe he does. I mean after al the shit i am going trough en put him trough he’s still around, and giving me the time and space to work things out. Fishstick tries to make me feel loved every day, and sometimes my head believes this and it feels amazing, but then one thing could go wrong and the dark voice is waiting around the corner to crush me, then i continue my day grumpy and sad. Which i can imagine is very hard for fishstick to watch and as much as he is supportive but it’s a battle i need to fight myself.

Getting in shape and going to the gym

I am not happy with the way i look, i am 1m69cm (5.5ft) short and weigh in at 80kg (177 lb), I consider my self fat at this point. The weird part is when i see someone same build as i consider that quite attractive, i just don’t consider my self attractive with the body i have. I want to go to the gym for about 3 years now, i have been a couple of times. Each time i plan a trip to the gym its a battle with the dark voice inside. I don’t classify myself as a regular straight male at all. Although i am gay and not feminine at all, most people don’t expect me to be gay. The scenario that plays in my head is that everybody is going to look at me and laugh at me because the fat guy is coming for some exercise. I have an irrational fear of the “straight male bro type” who you often find in the gym. It’s not that i am a lazy person. I just lack the confidence to go there and to my thing, which is frustrating to say the least. If i could spend all this time and energy i spent battling the dark voice in side i would be ripped already :p . There were some people in the past that would go to the gym with me to make me feel more comfortable en guide me trough the exercises, but because i don’t talk about my issues and didn’t explain what was going on in my mind they have sort off given up on me. Which i don’t blame them for at all. The goal for me is not to be ripped but just to be regular, so i can look to myself in the mirror without feeling shame or hating what i see. right now i mostly avoid mirrors, the only time i stand in front of the mirror is when we go out for drinks to do my hair trying to look a bit descent.

Social events

Social events for me mainly consist of going out for drinks with friends. I don’t get much anxiety about going out because we mainly stick to the same places. When we decide to go to a new place, i always have my friend alcohol 😀 . It takes away my boundaries and makes me allot more comfortable around people, if you tried alcohol you know the feeling i am talking about. Not that i mean start drinking right away and solve your problems, because if that had worked i wouldn’t be here blogging about all the sh*t that is going on in my life. But lets just say drunk me is me i would like to be in daily life, not being bothered what other people could or would say about me. That’s also why i want to make the changes because that feels amazing, just to be worry less those couple of hours. PS: today is Friday i think it’s about time for a “social event” tonight 😉 .

Final words

It’s not all bad. These are just a few of the issues i deal with more will probably show up, or come to mind i will write them down as well. i am not only going to write down the bad things, good things will come! That’s the whole point of this blog, also to see my own progress from the dark thoughts to the happy ones. I notice by writing them down it makes the issues real and maybe easier for me to deal with them, and nobody of my friends knew about these issue’s (I just recently opened up about these issue’s to Fisthstick and Foxy). When i meet new people i try to put my best version forward, and try to ignore everything that’s going on. Which believe is not the best idea, you end up needing to put a picture of happiness which makes you feel worse. Its also very isolating because you feel alone, like no one really know the real you, and you feel like if you show the real you they will be like “i didn’t sign up for this”. I really want to make a change so at this point i am looking for professional help but i still need to find the right match for me. I will also document the process and progress about my sessions.

Wow First post i am excited and overwhelmed, and seriously nervous because i am about to get real.

In case you didn’t read the “Who am i” page. My name is Bjorn 26 years old and living in Belgium. The whole idea for this blog came about a few months ago when i was looking back at my life, things achieved, the general happiness in my life. I came to the conclusion that i have in theory most things to be reasonably happy but i ain’t, on top of that like we all know this day and age with social media everybody presents the best picture of them self. I know in the back of my head well enough that those post’s, picture’s and events are presented the best they could be, still i aspire to be like “them”. As an example i get up in the “morning” (let’s be real i mostly don’t get out of bed before 12:00) with mostly no feelings, first thing i do is grab a coffee and checkup on what happening on YouTube. I am a serious YouTube addict. I see all these great people vlog about there day and how they have it all together i really admire this and like i said aspire to be like them, it makes me feel great to watch these videos. When the video ends real life kicks in, and i start to recap my life and question every decision i ever made. The sad part about all this? I want to do all those things as well. Then i start searching for things like “how to be a YouTuber” or “how to start a vlogging channel” the thing that always sticks with me is “just get started with it”. Then anxiety kicks in. my head goes from yea i can to this, to complete self destruct.

And now where at the “Just get started” point. So i am trying to make this blog work, and also test and see how the just get started works out. Because i still lack the confidence to put my face in front of a camera the next best thing was writing down my feelings as i work trough my issues. I hope with this blog and working on my self i will be able to upload vlogs here as well about my life. So stay tuned for more updates coming soon!